Once upon a time I cared, a lot, about being judged, about being disapproved of, about being ‘beneath’ other people, and I was a people pleaser, much to my own detriment. I was so afraid of confrontation that rather than express my concerns I would run, and hide. I never wanted to be seen as being a problem, in any way shape of form, and so I kept quiet. I took it so personally when anybody looked at me with anything less than love in their eyes, I could feel it, it penetrated my love of humanity to the core, and I did not want to give anybody a reason to look at me with anything less than love.
Something happens as you mature, you accept that people are different. People will disapprove of you, not because of you, but because of them; their beliefs, their ignorance, their different passions and lack of understanding of yours. We all have frustration that other human beings see the world with different eyes. Naturally, from a very young age we are programmed to think that we should thinking the same thoughts, working towards the same goals, wearing the same clothes, and doing as we are told, and inhibiting our own thought process – and so it is no wonder that by the time we reach puberty and adulthood that we are already in deep despair that we have been unable to evolve naturally, or at the very least to our own nature.
As I was in despair and trying to fit into to being somebody that I was not in my 20’s the depression just kicked in, I could not find the words to articulate what it was that I wanted to say, or how I felt that this world was not meant for me. I was so desperately trying to fit in that I allowed myself to be abused in many ways, and when I needed to stand up for myself and have a simple conversation, I was quite incapable and so hid behind the court system, so that I could be indirectly confrontational, which of course only made matters worse, and resulted in a decade of abuse and harassment.
The wonderful thing about this is, when you have spent the best part of 20 years being either abused, or harassed, or walked over, or attacked, you break to the floor so many times that you realise how capable you are of getting back up. And when you realise that other people’s actions reflect their personalities, and not yours, you make peace with who you are and who you have been. You realise that whatever comes next will bounce off you and that you will only carry the pain, and the words, and the insults, and the misunderstanding and judgments if you accept them.
When you are happy with you are as person, and comfy in your own skin, you really do not mind what others say, or how they try to make you feel, you have absolute clarity that you can press on through life being true to who your are, authentic to your own spirit, living your true existence, and you can literally feel free of external judgement, or lack of encouragement. It is about being 100% comfy in your own skin, that is not thinking that you are perfect, what is perfection anyway? It is about knowing that you are you, your body is your body, your mind is your mind, your clothes are your style, your hair is your hair. If you have no enemy within, the external world really cannot hurt you, as they are not touching a nerve, and if you are truly free of needing external verification, you are very powerful, and very free.
The simplest things do not concern you. I have never (at least not in the last few years) worried about page likes, or post likes, or engagement, or any of those things that can make you feel ‘validated’. I share stuff for the purpose of raising awareness of business, or trying to help others in the knowledge that my words will resonate with some, but if nobody sees that is okay. I know that who needs to see will see, who needs to engage will engage. To live your life for purpose, and not for praise, is very empowering indeed.
I say not minding instead of not caring as for me ‘not caring’ carries an undercurrent of attitude, when you say that you do not care, it almost sounds as though you do care but are being defensive of that – that is okay if that works for you, but for me ‘not minding’ is much more peaceful. I am no longer ashamed of my journey, I am no longer concerned about being judged, I have struggled greatly and I talk openly about adversity and mental health because I don’t mind, I don’t mind if people don’t get it, that is their journey, not mine. I get it, it happened, I share it, I’m at peace with my mistakes, I’m at peace with where I am at now, and that leaves me free to make a noise, to help others. I am no longer afraid of the flames, for I am the fire.
We ARE all different, and people will always dislike who you are or what you do – that is the nature of humanity, and that is how our spirits beautifully interact when we know we have found one like us x