Since my last post the matter of friendship has been politely interrupting my sleep and as usual I have allowed my brain to process the elements before sharing my findings on here, with the sole intention of hopefully helping others understand, and ultimately come to terms with non-reciprocated giving.
In order to be happy, fulfilled, at peace with your relationships and to enjoy inner calm you need to deal with matters that eat you up inside, fester away and grow into a toxic unhappiness that affects your wellbeing, your relationships, your bitterness, and the way you go about your life. To achieve mental wellbeing, forgiveness, understanding and loving without becoming dependent on that love are crucial.
It is not other people that hurt us, it is our own expectations and desired outcome.
There are several affirmations that people are not ignoring you – they are busy and that you should get busy too, and whilst they mean well, and come from a place of some truth, it was one of the most offensive ways of trying to help people who are feeling ignored, lonely, and that their friends and family are failing them. There is a truth to people being busy, but I would prefer to use the term ‘distracted’, as most of the time the people who genuinely care about you, think of you often, and would love to be in your company will never contact you, or will very rarely contact you. Yes, you would like to be higher on their list of priorities, particularly with so much sharing on social media it is very easy to see that other people appear to be high on their ‘to do’ list where you may not be.
But what you really need to ask yourself is why? Why do you need to be contacted by them to believe they love you? Why do you think – don’t bother coming to my funeral you never visited me when I was alive? Is it true that maybe you are not so ‘distracted’ and so you have time to feed yourself internal toxic thoughts that you are being ignored? Often being isolated and lonely, bored and frustrated will fuel these feelings and thoughts. If you are very busy with work, kids, hobbies, dealing with your own dramas whilst occasionally posting a ‘my life is perfect’ pic on social media, the chances are that six months has flown for you but for somebody in your close network those six months have been painful, and they are hurting that you have not checked in on them – but this where they must check in on you, and ‘forgive’ your distraction, and butt in and let you know that they are still in the frame.
Of course I have experienced this from both sides. I only write about things I have first hand experience of and so I share my findings in the hope that somebody somewhere will benefit in someway. As a single mum I sat at home night after night, year after year, festering, wishing that somebody would offer to come over one evening but then as time went by I realised that people literally do need telling, they are genuinely oblivious to your internal loneliness / desire to feel loved and cared for, as a friend. And in reality for me personally I had been the distracted one for a decade prior. I would be so happy to see people I cared for, either out socially, or at family funerals, or passing in the street, I was so happy to see them, but I would never call in for coffee or pick up the phone, I just assumed that everybody was busy, or should I say ‘distracted’ with their own life.
My power came when I became self dependent. I learned about self-love, I would wrap a blanket around me if I was poorly and buy myself a bunch of flowers if I wanted to feel loved, and I would stop worrying about sending random people messages and saying ‘hi, how are you? You can be miserable and you may not want to say ‘talk to me I’m lonely’ but you can always say ‘hi, how are you’? – People will normally be pleased to hear from you, you can invite people over for coffee – they may say they are ‘busy’, your 300 ‘friends’ may ignore your shout out but one may be glad for the chance of a coffee and a chat, it is that one that matters at this moment in time. It is also likely that the others either think ‘that invite is not meant for me’ or that just may not be their thing, but, rest assured they do care in their own way and they will be pleased to bump into you in the street in two years, but you must accept that your lives are taking different directions and you are not in the same ‘clan’ right now.
To move direction slightly – a lot about friendships is the reciprocation we expect, the effort that we expect others to make – is it our own insecurity that leads us to want reassurance that we are cared about? There is an element of truth in getting busy and taking responsibility for filling your time, we all need people around us, we are social creatures and we need to make an effort to develop a social circle, otherwise we will just fester and feel bitter towards those who have this circle, that we are not party to. This will lead to us feeling hurt, and to push people further away by refusing to ‘make the first move’.
Your ‘friends’ will always be pleased to see you, whether in one year or ten, but meanwhile you need something to look forward to every week, preferably a few times a week, whether that be work, networking, badminton, darts, volunteering, crafts, or any kind of hobby group, the key is to have a ‘team’ a ‘clan’ – going to the shop or cafe does not suffice, you will feel lonelier if you head out on a mission for a conversation and return home having not managed to have one. This is why many are jealous of different cultures within our society, they know how to do things ‘together’, we have lost these ‘pack values’ and so isolation is of our own making. Our own pride, our own fear, our own stubbornness.
Giving to receive can also leave you feeling bitter and hurt. The wonderful Jay recently released a video about a man who gave his eyes to his fiance who wanted to see before marrying. The video was aimed at her not realising that he had given up his sight for her and her being angry with him for not telling her that he was blind. Whilst the video intended to make her /us think about judgement, I would say that this is where many of us go wrong. You should give selflessly, not for return. Pure love would be to give your sight. To give your sight for love and because you want to benefit from it sets you up for disappointment. If you love to be loved in return you will feel needy, you will become reliant and you will be in a lot of pain if the person leaves you. But if you love, enjoy the moment in time that you have with this person and then love them enough to not to stand in the way of their own journey of love, self discovery and free path you will ultimately benefit from being able to love them always, without claiming ownership of them.
What I am trying to say is love your friends, love the people who have been in your life try not to feel angry with them for not completing your life, your life is your responsibility and yours alone, you need to actively find your own pack, and you need to actively let the people you care about know that you care about them so often, instead of creating a huge toxic divide that is created only by our own feelings of feeling unloved, or let down. What was an innocent six or twelve months silence can turn into feelings of hatred if not nurtured properly. If you have not spoken to a member of family or old friend for three years try sending a message asking ‘we haven’t spoken for a long time – did something happen or has life just been too distracting’ what’s the worst that can happen? You could lose a friend that you thought you had lost anyway, in which case you are set free, or you could be met with a lovely response reassuring you that you have a warm place in their heart.
Equally sometimes when the effort is all yours it is time to let go, but not with hatred, do not take it personally that they are not driven by the same loyalty to you as you are to them, love them and visually put them on a shelf and wish them well in their life, and if this leaves a gap, fill that gap in ways that is not reliant on individual people. To love without needing to be loved in return is very empowering, to give without wanting thanks is very satisfying, and to share your ideas and knowledge without wanting gratification or reward is selfless and incredibly rewarding in itself.
We are too driven by protecting what we think is ours, but the only thing we really need to do is fill the world with love, acceptance and honesty, without fear of the outcome. What is the real fear? What is the real need? Life is a journey, if you can trust this process you are free to give what you want to give, and you will create your own peace and love that no other can mask. Accept love but keep your inner core intact, so if it bounces off you are as complete as you were before it came. Each encounter is a blessing, and more people care about you than you could possibly imaging, just remove the fear and be the one to make contact, instead of feeling pain and anger that nobody is contacting you.
Caring & Sharing x
#loneliness #isolation #depression #self love #friendship #empowerment #relationships